Thursday, June 12, 2008
JOURNEY TO THE MAGIC CARPET
My post this week is going to break away from the normal 'business'.
This week has been a long week of endings. It has been one of joyful celebrations and really sad goodbyes because some extended family members are saying good-bye - for this week is the beginning of our solo flight on our 'Magic Carpet'.
How did we get here? Well it all began.......
Monday June 13, 2005 - In the early evening hours, I heard my second daughter's cry for the very first time. It was a healthy cry - one that brought a huge sigh of relief and tears to my eyes. (My first daughter had died in the hospital) Over the days and weeks that ensued this cry would mark the beginning of motherhood for me and the long forgotten - and sometimes mis-sung Mother Goose song....."Oh Dear, What can the Matter be - Oh Dear......"
In the beginning for me it was so very hard to tell my little one's cries apart. They all sounded the same.....LOUD, DEMANDING and PAINFUL. I tried everything and nothing felt like it was working - nothing 'Normal' anyways....The only time she would really sleep for any length of time was when she was laying on me or by me on a pillow.
It seemed to be that the only time she was contented was when she was in motion or in my arms.......long stroller walks and car rides were the ticket. But when they stopped - she would awake. I used to joke that my little one was born with a sense for velocity!!! When the speed in the car lessened she would wake up to wail. Driving between stop lights really was an emotional roller coaster! She would cry when I stopped and stop when I started again. Rocking chairs were a no, no and I quickly developed a five point jiggle!! Comical relief when I look back now :D The five point jiggle consisted of swinging side to side none to lightly mind you! Arms bouncing up and down all the while one hand patting her bottom gently but not too gently and singing! Foot tapping and dancing sometimes where optional but always greatly encouraged by her. Thankfully when my little one grew a bit - a swing that was low to the ground operated on batteries became the ticket along with an aquarium bouncy seat that vibrated - with soft bubbling water noises - this tired mother's arms finally got a wee bit of a rest.
The happy motherhood picture that I had before I gave birth had disappeared and I was left wondering..."Where on EARTH did I go wrong - what am I NOT doing?!!" By the time my little peanut was about 3 months old and onward. She was finally able to sleep on her own - (for daytime naps only) - I would tip-toe in to check on her and tiptoe back to melt into the coach - only to frantically run back in five minutes later to her screaming like someone had just pinched her or cut off her leg!! It would take 30 minutes to an hour to calm her down and in my mother heart I knew that something was just not right.
She HATED being on her tummy and try as she might she couldn't sit up on her own...this one has abs of steel for certain!!! Laying on her back she would do these mini crunches raising her head to try and look across the room. Although she did love to be propped up or placed in her swing so she could survey her kingdom!! Any attempts by dad to pick her up were met with intense screaming and must have been a horrendous feeling for him for her to be so unhappy in his arms.
Those around me thought and often told me that I was just a first time mom - who needed to relax and let her "work it out". But those cries would only become more intense and loud when I attempted to do so. It just didn't feel right to my mother heart to withhold the comfort that I knew I could instantly give. By the time my little one was 8 months old - I knew I needed help.
A little before 1 yrs of age - we started receiving Early Intervention therapy for 'lil peanut' and was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder or Sensory Integration Disorder as it is now called with mild Hypotonia or Hypertonia(low muscle tone) and mild developmental delays.
New things started popping up as well - loud noises, blenders, vacuums, garbage disposals and other 'startling' types noises especially a knock on the door would send her into a screaming, frightened fit that would take 20 minutes or more to calm her. Certain groups of people were NOT tolerated and I had a permanent leach!! (Or so I thought!)
With various therapies - it didn't seem to take right away and I felt those words coming back that maybe - just maybe it was all just me. Until we met our first occupational therapist 'Cindy'. Suddenly things started to make sense and the great black exercise ball was introduced. Although it was meant for something entirely different - the therapy ball quickly became my best and dearest friend :D Therapy balls or exercise balls are used to help roll and gently bounce the child on to help them get acquainted with body awareness and to develop various muscle control. Although my lil one didn't tolerate that at all - she did love it when I would get on the ball and bounce with her in my arms. From there on out until she was almost two - to get her to sleep at night - she and I would climb onto this monstrous black ball and I would start to sing lullabies if I didn't know the words I made them up!! I would bounce on it until she fell asleep - usually between 45 minutes to 2 hours after starting to bounce. Getting off was quite the challenge - but we did it and it worked wonders.....both for her and me!! I now have legs of steel! :D
Sitting up finally kicked in about a year and wow was she ever proud of herself. I began watching another little guy and after several months of hellish "boot camp" between my little one's needs and getting acquainted with another bright, but very different and very peaceful little guy...my little one finally had a playmate. They are the best of buds today and become highly upset when they can't give hugs and kisses to each other at the end of the day. They are also devilishly cute cohorts in getting into all sorts of mischief!! :D Little guy cried the other day all the way home cause he didn't get to hug his "ina"
Still highly frustrated about not being able to get her body to do what her intensely brilliant mind wanted to do - we slowly but surely progressed!! Eventually speech therapy kicked in and new tools were introduced that she was able to learn and use once her 'fear factor' was abated her level of frustration dropped again. Boy was she proud of herself!! :D
We were introduced to a new Occupational Therapist and after awhile things started again to blossom and improve. Her severe 'stranger anxiety' was still in high gear and I felt liked I was doomed to having a permanent leg growth!!! I couldn't be but an arms length away from her at any one time.
About this time I was introduced to a powerful yet soul stirring movie "The Secret" which changed my life completely. Giving me a new way to view the world, my life and everything in it. Being my true self - I went to researching and learning everything I could about this movie - the "Teachers" and the message of "You can have, be, do ANYTHING you want." And in this research is where I came across Ho'oponopono the ancient Hawaiian way to heal anything in your life. It wasn't really until Christmas of this last year when I bought and read the book "Zero Limits" by Joe Vitale that things in my life really began to change.
In the second half of lil ones 2nd year of life - I started my own business. Not being able to work a 'traditional' out of the home job because of my little one's needs I began looking for alternative ways to help support my family. I had been working with another person in their 'craft business' - and being my true self I quickly learned and started playing around with my own creations......Bath and Body - I didn't do the candle part because I couldn't be that involved. After a few months the business re-organized and there wasn't a place for my products anymore - so......I started my own!! With the previous business and office management type skills that I had acquired through the years along with my 10+ years of studying of herbs, alternative therapies and such - I felt confident in doing so.
Boy have I grown - right along side my lil one! :D The one thing that I have constantly been amazed at in watching my little one grow is her PERSEVERANCE! With her challenges it has been sometimes extremely painful to watch her fail and try again - but she does so with a smile on her face most times and when not - we work through the tears and try again. She always wants to try again! What a lesson for me!!
I can never again complain when something goes awry in my life because when I start to feel down and like giving up the picture of my little one trying to sit or stand or ride a little tricycle, or a myriad of things that has been extremely difficult for her enters my head and I remember......TRY AGAIN.
So here we are the last day of therapy before we take flight on our own. Everyone is so confident and proud of how much she and I have grown. How much better we are at handling the challenges that come our way. The tools and tricks that we have learned, the steps we have taken have all woven together to create a magic carpet that we can now ride on. And we are sad because they have become a part of our family.
But even with this magic carpet under us - I know there will be difficult days ahead. Days when wind turbulents will hit us and give us a bumpy ride. But the two things I know are this......
One door has closed - another one has already opened (Hippo Therapy or Horse Therapy) and more doors will open when we find them. The Universe has time and time again provided for me just when I needed it the most - the only difference is now my eyes are open to that fact and I am GRATEFUL!!
And The ONE thing that will always bring us back to this magic carpet starts with........
I LOVE YOU!
Happy Birthday - Sweet 1!! Thank You for coming into my life and teaching me how sweet life can be even with challenges! May you always be the shining light I know you are. I am so honored that you choose me to be your Mother.
I Love You
I am so Sorry
Please Forgive Me